Grumpy Summer


(Music Kevin Mcleod)

What’s up with UK weather?
It’s changed beyond all reason?
Where’s the wind and where’s the rain,
Our usual summer season?
Can’t you see I’m British and
I’m not designed for heat.
I need two handy buckets
On my legs instead of feet
There has to be some let-up
And I’m close to desperation
Look out soon for headline news
and death by perspiration.
My workplace is an oven
Where I roast on gas mark 3
I’ve asked the boss for aircon
But problem is – that’s me.
Incessant heat for days on end
Can make you somewhat grumpy
Especially if you’re verging on
The oversized and lumpy
I’ll have to dig my legs out
Endure bifurcated grief
They’ve not seen light since 96
the day they banned our beef.
A dress can cause derision.
a vision to be mocked .
as overheated thighs I find
Cause friction in a frock
Then you find you’re walking
With a gap between your knees
As if your horse had bolted
Just to catch a wisp of breeze
Comic walk aside though
And the dreaded summer dress
The biggest pain of all is the
Whole self-tanning mess
Goddamn you Sally Hansen
I’ve sprayed so much around
I’ve airbrushed out the bathroom
And the dog is strangely brown.
Let’s get back to normal
To our jumpers socks and shoes
Let’s cuddle up with cocoa
Put our slippers on and snooze
We can put an end to summer
it won’t be hard to do
summon up the old damp squib
and plan a BBQ

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